I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
The green light at the road signal looked at the red light and said, "Don't look while I am changing".
What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.
My blind friend did LSD for the first time...
There was a lot more tripping than usual.
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
Where you flying today? Because you landed in my heart.
Why don’t we use some Fourier analysis on our relationship and reduce to a series of simple periodic functions?
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
Are you addicted to the ocean and ocean life?
If you are, sea kelp
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
Yoda one for me!
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
If you think I’m hot now, wait until you see what I turn into at midnight.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
Hi, I’m a T-cell, and I’m here to protect you from everything.
The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.
These decorations are tree-mendous.
French people give me the crepes.
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
I was calling the hospital, but it seems they were busy. The picked up the phone and said,
"Urology department, can you hold?"
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
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