I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
When I text you goodnight later, what number should I use?
Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
Theatre - the one place it doesn't pay to read between the line.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.
What do you call a 2D fairy?
Pixie-lated.
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
What do llamas always say after yoga class?
“Llamaste.”
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
Hey, if you can’t take the heat, get out of your clothes.
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
Do you have a Band-Aid? I just scraped my knee falling for you.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
What is a gorillas favourite ice cream flavour.
Chocolate chimp.
I’ve been looking for you, and I hope you’re as sweet as jelly beans.
How much dew does a dewdrop drop
If dewdrops do drop dew?
They do drop, they do
As do dewdrops drop
If dewdrops do drop dew.
You set my heart bonfire.
Why don't you reach in and grab some popcorn?
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Be like a pineapple: wear a crown, stand tall, and be always sweet on the inside.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
What's all wet and likes to shake? It's an earthquake on a rainy day.
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
Only a**holes use bidets.
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
I’m like planet Neptune. I’m attracted to the gravitational pull from Uranus since it is so big, and I cannot lie.
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
I love you a tot!
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
What do zombies eat for dessert?
Eyes cream.
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