Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
I'd run miles just to be with you.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!
What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.
What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
My fat parrot escaped from its cage... To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders!
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
Wolfs are named after lots of things around and about them. For instance, lumberjack wolfs are known as timber wolfs.
Practice safe text: use commas.
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
What did one angry werewolf say to the other?
- I have a bone to pick with you!
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.
I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”
He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”
The mothership has returned and I must leave.
When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
The only thing sweeter than pumpkin pie is you, baby!
I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.
Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously.
All they do is cheese and wine.
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
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