Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
I’m very frond of you.
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
Beavers are the best at getting things done on riverbanks. They have their own waves of working.
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
Do you have a library card?
So you can check me out?
No, because my cat just died and I need to find a book about cat funerals.
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
You’re prettier than a summer day in Lunenburg.
Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!
It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!
Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!
"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.
(Kim Merryman)
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
You’re so stunning even the Language Police are speechless.
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Is your vocal range tenor? Because if there were tenor (ten of) you Iwould be very happy.
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
"That was a howling adventure!" said the werewolf to the zombie.
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
How did the horse break into the mainframe?
It was a hack.
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
when I’m with you.
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
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