"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
I have to say “Hi” to the prettiest girl in the room… can you help me say “Hi” to that girl over there?
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
What does goblin's blood consist of?
Hemogoblin.
I have a connection to make, but first I want to connect with you.
Q. Why was the blonde disappointed after her visit to an apiary?
A. There weren't any gorillas there. DUH!
I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing In Killing
What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?
A skelevision.
What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".
Are you a 45-degree angle, because you’re perfect.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?
Because they are well organized.
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
What do dogs and Santa have in common?
They are both seen Dachshund through the snow.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
If I could rearrange the alphabet...
I'd leave it the way it is.
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
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