Call me the pace clock, cause you sure can count on me.
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
Please excuse my resting beach face.
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
Do you like free samples?
What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?
Mumbai.
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
30 Year Friendship Ends At Alter
Girl give me a chance and I will show you a world of our own where spell of love began and our hearts become one
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
Did you hear about the kid that ate a whole pack of candy worms?
It’s a sour tale!
I'm no Joseph. Perhaps you can help me interpreting the dreams I've been having about you?
I want your flesh rocket in my hot pocket.
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
You snow the drill.
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
Your presents is requested.
How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
Do you work for NASA? Because you're out of this world.
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
Hey girl, I put the stud in Bible study.
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
You set my heart bonfire.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator
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