"Room service? Send up a larger room."
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.
With long legs like yours, you don't need high heels.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan to do something naughty with you.
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
Like a bouquet tied with twine, I can be yours if you will be mine.
Sorry, but I can only be with you twice.
That's Now...and Forever.
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.
You must be a Magnetar because I feel a strong magnetism between us.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
I went on a mission trip and all I ended up doing was mission you.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
Why would you Mary Shelley when you could marry me?
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
She sells seashells by the seashore.
What did the conifer say when he finally got alone with his crush? It’s just yew and me, baby.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ike.
Ike who?
Ike can rock your world, baby.
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID.
But I decided it was poor taste.
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