Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
We’re calling your number.
I really caribou-t you.
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
Why are dinosaurs no longer around? Because their eggs stink.
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
How many colors are in the rainbow? I haven't got a blue.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
If H20 is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside ?
K9P.
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
Are you a sweet honeybee? Because you have stung me in the heart
I'd make like Jacob and work seven years for you to be my bride.
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
Why should you never rob a bank with a pig?
They always squeal.
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
You don't know jack-o-lantern
Prepare to be bowled over.
You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my nightmares all night!
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.
What happens when two snails get into a fight? They slug it out!
What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a hedgehog?
An extra long toilet brush.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
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