Are you a microprocessor or are you etching to see me.
There was this bald guy at the bus
He seemed really lightheaded
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
I’m not a photographer, but I can definitely picture your number on my phone.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
What do you call a cat teacher? A purr-fessor
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
How do you describe an acorn in one sentence? In a nutshell, it is an oak tree.
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Pasta!
Pasta who?
Italian chef who pasta away.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
So tell me Ian, what’s the most Ian-teresting thing about you?
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
Where were you on the night of September to March?
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
Heya, howl you doin'? Yikes, sorry, that was a ruff start.
The wind had such a great time. You could say it had a blast.
Hey beautiful! Your face is like a moon. Always glowing.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
I think you're barbe-cute.
Is there a wormhole that will always take me directly to where you are?
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
Tricks aren’t really my thing. But you’re sure a treat.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
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