I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
What do you call a happy penguin?
A penGRIN.
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
I'm reading a book called "The Yellow River"
It's written by I.P. Freely
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
My love for you is as crazy as mad cow disease.
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
If you know a person's name: "Hi, [name]."
How did you know my name?
"Isn't every beautiful girl named that?"
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.
How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.
Listen, I’ve got a couple important questions and I really need Samanthas
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
Girl you must have swallowed a speaker, cause your beauty is louder than the rest
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
Where does a fisherman go to get his hair cut?
The fisherman goes to a bobber shop!
Why are werewolves better than vampires?
Werewolves don’t have a problem with steaks.
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
What do you call a month’s worth of rain?
England.
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
Whale, hello there.
I wish your name was Avogadro because then I would already know your number.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
There’s muffin I wouldn’t do for breakfast.
What did the squirrel say when his tail got caught in the door?
...It won’t be long now!
What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because there was a quack in the sidewalk.
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
Cows get sad whenever they hear the songs of the pop band 'The Mooooo-dy Blues!'
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