Girl you are rocking this run.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
I'm learning about important dates in history. Wanna be in one of them?
What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.
Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
You should call us butter because we are on a roll. This would be one of the best volleyball puns to put on a T-shirt.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
How many atoms are in guacamole?
Avocados number.
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
What happened to the zombie that made him visit the doctor? He had a crummy feeling.
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
What’s so great about whiteboards?
If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!
What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
What sound does it make when an ogre eats a witch for breakfast?
Snap cackle n' pop
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
Hi, I’m a T-cell, and I’m here to protect you from everything.
Are you sure that you’re not a microwave oven? Because, you sure make my heart melt!
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
I wood never leaf you.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Holly
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!
Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he just didn't have an ear for music.
You are so good at jogging, you came straight for my heart.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser.
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