My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
Are you an exoplanet? Because I’m bad at astronomy and pick up lines.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
What do llamas say when you tell them something obvious?
“No spit, Sherlock.”
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
Are you a pile of dinosaur bones? Because I dig you!
Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
Tell me of this thing you humans call... (dramatic pause) love.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
What do you call a group of chess players bragging about how they won in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.
Whoever said that chunky-knit sweater coats were ugly is both a fool and a liar.
Hey, wanna be Jere-MY-ah?
Is your vocal range tenor? Because if there were tenor (ten of) you Iwould be very happy.
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
"I'm so egg-cited for Easter."
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.
People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
Q. How do you make a sasquatch, a yeti, or a bigfoot laugh?
A. Tell it a gorilla joke!
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
Can you put some hot sauce on my enchilada, I need some spice in my life.
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
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