What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
"Simple Truths About Family"
Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.
Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.
Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.
Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.
Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.
– Kelly Roper
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
What do you get when you cross a Sheepdog with a jelly?
The collie wobbles.
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
Hey, can I put you on my emergency contact list?
Sedimentary rock has got nothing on the many layers of your amazing personality.
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
Joggernaut.
Why is earth worm humor offensive?
They only know dirty jokes.
Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
I’m very frond of you.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
All theatres love to see scarecrows out in the audience as reviewers! They're simply outstanding in their field.
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
Your name must be trigonometry, because you make me want to cry.
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
Did you hear about the bird that couldn’t pass environmental legislation?
He was a lame duck.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
What did the cat say when something bad happened? That’s un-fur-tunate!
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
My dog loves poetry.
Especially William Shakes-paw.
What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
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