What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.
Are you the opening night? Because you make me nervous.
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
When Berry the dog dug up the woman's strawberry patch, she angrily exclaimed "That is the final straw, Berry."
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
Hey, does this handkerchief smell like CHCl3?
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
Man: If your left leg was breakfast and your right leg was lunch, I wouldn't be able to resist snacking between meals.
Woman: If your left leg was yoga and your right leg was cycling, I wouldn't be able to resist kickboxing between classes.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.
It's okay password...
...I'm insecure too...
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
The best punishment to give orange kids is getting them canned. This is the only way to prevent them from going bad.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
Are you a unicorn cause you are my fantasy.
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.
If I was a chessboard, I'd be lucky to have a queen like you.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
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