What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
If you were a vegetable you'd be a cutecumber.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
I can get you off the Naughty List.
You have a body like the North Star. Wise men will follow it.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
I've been thinking about you owl night long...
Which hulking left-winger could body-slam The Giant? Dave Andre-chuck.
If you were here, Abby all over you
Can you feel that universal energy flowing from me to you?
What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.
"Don't worry, be hoppy."
It’s a good thing we’re bad at puzzles because there is no way we’re putting this shit back together.
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
Call me Hamstring, 'cause you've pulled.
I was calling the hospital, but it seems they were busy. The picked up the phone and said,
"Urology department, can you hold?"
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
We like to paddy.
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
You’re my pot of gold.
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
Can I claim your baggage?
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
You must be a magician, because every time I look at you, everyone else disappears.
Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
We’ll need protracturtle in our next lesson since the topic will be angles.
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