What did the cherry say when it was given a bunch of flowers? You are cherry sweet.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
I heard they just opened up a new Lego store. Let's see if we can't build something together!
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
Are you a volcano? Because I lava you so much!
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
You must be a magician, because every time I look at you, everyone else disappears.
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
Where do the astronauts park their vehicles? At the parking meteors.
What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
Our souls will rain forever.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
Why was the shy guy terrible at baseball?
He never got to third base.
Hey, let me take you out on a first date in the snow - I promise I'm not a flaky person.
What’s a dog’s favorite condiment?
Fetch-up.
To beer or not to beer… That is the question.
I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
How many astronomers will it take to just change a lightbulb? None, they like the dark.
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."
I have some extra chairs in my garage for emergency seat-uations.
Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
Babe, it doesn’t matter that you got diabetic retinopathy, because I heard love is blind.
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
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