What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
A bunch of chill-dren from the neighborhood played all afternoon in the snow.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
You must be from Quebec because these feelings I have for you are Mont-real.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
Girl you are like the sweet song of a choir.
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
My printer just told me it was joining a band.
Makes sense since it lives to jam.
Why can't a tattoo artist be faithful? Because he always has designs on his clients.
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down ? In the dark!
Nobody would ask the strawberry to go to the prom because it was past her sale by date.
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.
Roberta ran rings around the Roman ruins.
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
My name? It's Bond. Covalent Bond.
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
Why can’t you screw with whales?
because they hump back.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
Are you sure you're not from South Korea? Because I'm sure you're my 'Seoul'-mate.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.
I need an Imodium because I can’t hold in my love for you.
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
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