What happens when you try to eat 5 candy bars at once? You're gonna choke alot.
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
Why is Frankenstein such good fun?
Because he soon has you in stitches.
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
I don't want to make the faux-paw of coming on strong, but your dog is so adorable, I couldn't resist.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
Where do folks from Bilbao, Spain buy outdoor equipment?
The Basque Pro Shop.
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
You make me want to upgrade my Tivo.
Your eyes are so blue I feel like I'm in the sky when I'm with you.
I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
The Tsar Bomba, the most powerful nuclear explosive in recorded history, has an output of 57 megatons of TNT
And that pales in comparison to how much of a bombshell you are.
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
“Every mile is two in winter.”
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Juno.
Juno who?
Juno I love you, don't you?
I cannot think of anything sweeter than chocolate than - oops! of course, there is you!
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
In the Camel Kingdom, the king and his family live in the Camelot castle.
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
how do I understand that you understand. Understand!?
I accidentally pooped in my pants. Can I get into yours?
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
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