“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
Make your own decisions this summer, don’t give in to pier pressure.
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Isabell.
Isabell who?
Is a bell working?
It started raining coins outside today.
I guess it’s just climate change.
What goes inside elves’ pointy shoes?
Their mistletoes.
Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
The scientist time travels between summer and winter using his autumn-mobile!
What Do You Call A Clever Duck?
A wise quacker
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
Are you British?
Cuz you just colonised my heart.
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
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