I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
Sometimes you have to green and bear it.
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
Knock knock. Who's there? You're - You're who? - You're single!
Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
You must be related to Alfred Nobel because baby you are dynamite!
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
Excuse me, do you have a pen?
Then you'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're gone.
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
What do 99 percent of pigs ask for on their hamburgers? Piggles.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
How do cats say goodbye in Italy?
Miao.
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
"Eggs-cuse me."
You're hotter than a data center!
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
Why didn't the sentence have a period?
Because it was pregnant.
What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
What’s the one book all piglets read in grade school? A Series of Un-porcine-ite Events.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
When a dinosaur gets a goal in a soccer tournament, it is known as a dino-score.
Are you in the on deck circle? Çause you're up next.
Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
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