If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.
Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.
"Alcohol you later."
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.
Are you a cat because I'm feline a connection between us.
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
Orange you excited for Halloween?
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
Is that a bat in your pocket, or does my costume excite you?
If I gave you my shoe, would you step into my life?
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
You know what they say... Big Feet.
Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra.
You can never find the barcode.
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
What happens if an owl doesn't wash?
It smells fowl.
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
How do two flowers greet each other?
Hey bud, how’s it growing?
Go to BabaMail
