Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
How Rudolf you to say that!
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.
It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.
I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.
(Martin Dejnicki)
Gas rig men grilled by villagers - The Oxford Times
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
Do you know how to hop? Because your body is in top form.
My Spotify sucks. It showed me the hottest singles, and missed you out!
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
Can you tell me the oxidation state of this atom? If you can’t, then you can tell me your phone number instead?
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
What did the cherry say when it was given a bunch of flowers? You are cherry sweet.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
If I could rearrange the alphabet...
I'd leave it the way it is.
Old astronomers got so tired of waiting for the sun to go down, that they decided to pack it up and call it a day.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
How hot does your gas oven get?
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
If you were coffee grounds, you’d be espresso ’cause you’re so fine.
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
You're like my tea: Hot and British!
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
What do you call a cross between a donkey and a zebra?
Debra.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Italy!
Italy who?
Italy all over in the morning.
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
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