I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.

Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Want.
Want who?
Want, who ... three, four, five!

Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.

My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"

I’ll bring you roses to our first date so that they can see how beautiful you are.

I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”

An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.

My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”

What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea.

My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram

We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.

Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you

(Anonymous)

Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.

My partner got mad when she found so much spam on my computer.
She said, "Food belongs on a plate!"

“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert

When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!

My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.

Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.

My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.

Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.

“I am hungary.”

“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”

“I’m russian to the kitchen.”

“Is there any turkey?”

“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”

“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”

Wanna exchange genetic information with me?

“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner

Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.

Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!

Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?

Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.

Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.

"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller

Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.

Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.

I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.

I’m invisible. [Really?] Can you see me? [Yes]. How about tomorrow night?

Are you sure you're not a tower? Because Eiffel for you.

How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.

What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.

If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.

My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.

How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.

What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!

Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions

The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.

What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.

Where does Snowy the snow man hide his money?
In a snow bank.

John Travolta has been diagnosed with the Corona Virus.
He had chills that were multiplying.