What do you call the dandruff found on unicorn manes? Horn flakes.
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
Dreaming in color is the artist's pigment of imagination.
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
"I Can Rise And Shine"
I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.
How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.
What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
We're like a 4-Leaf clover. You're the C and I'm the R, and there's love in between us.
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
What happened when the zombie refused to pay its ticket from the police?
It was facing grave consequences.
Why did the pianist quit playing the piano?
Bad Bach.
The storm suppose to knock out the power, but your eyes have all the electricity I need.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
I like big punts and I cannot lie
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
Angels could fly, but I didn't know they could run.
I was so tired. I needed a sea-esta on the beach.
What do you call a dinosaurs fart? "A blast from the past"
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
If you where a sheep I would clone you.
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
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