Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
I’m in such a Henri to get to France!
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
New electric trains will run on conductors.
What does a penguin where to the beach?
An ice cap.
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
Lets unzip our genes and see if we can share codes together.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
I'm like Rachmaninov...king of the romantic
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
Are you from a fairytale? Your beauty is magical
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
Did you hear about one flower who went on a date with another flower?
It’s a budding romance.
What does a flower say when they’re offering you a job?
Take it or leaf it.
Did you hear about the flower who was struck in a hit and run?
She was leafed for dead.
I was working on my family history. Do you think it's too early to list you as a spouse?
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
Love at frost sight!
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
Would you like to come to my place and light my Yule log?
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Have you checked in yet? Because I've been check-in you out all day.
Me: I'll have a Corona please.
Waiter: *Cough*
Me: Thank you.
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
Want to plan a ride up the hill. It feels great when you're on top.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
Yes! I've always known you were a bit nutty!
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
Why are frogs great outfielders?
Because they never miss a fly.
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
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