You're like an exothermic reaction, you spread your hotness everywhere!
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
"Partners in wine."
Are you a phone? Because I want to hold you in my hands all day and ignore the rest of the world while I stare at you alone in my bedroom.
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
Jack is a lovable man with a colorful personality. He is a great hue-man.
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
Girl: Your ex is so attractive
Boy: Which one?
Girl: ME. Goodbye.
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!"
"Thank you sir!"
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
My friend told me to come and meet you.
He said you're a really nice person. I think you know him.
Jesus, yeah that's his name.
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
I had an instant connection with someone in South Korea. I think they're my Seoul mate.
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?
"Do not consume if seal is broken."
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
Turtles that commit crime are sent to the shell-block.
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
"Does your father sell diamonds? Because you are FLAWLESS!"
Your eyes are so blue I feel like I'm in the sky when I'm with you.
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