"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
I whale always love you.
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
What did the drum say about his childhood?
Those were the cymbaler days.
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
Want to break the wishbone? I’m wishing for a date with you.
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
What does an owl with an attitude have?
A scowl.
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
I wish I was a pronoun so I could be the direct object of your affection!
During the battle between the two onion kings, one of them was on the back foot as it was leek-ing blood.
If I live to a hundred and two, I won't let nobody sting me but you
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.
What do plants and homies have in common?
I love watching them grow.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
You have me greening from ear to ear.
You can tickle my ivories anytime, baby.
We make a great pear
I don't have a "Dad Bod"
I have a father figure.
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
Are you religious?
Because you're the answer to all my prayers.
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
How do you learn more about spiders that live in the rainforest? Check out their web site!
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