“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
I need to take this picture for my instayam
Do you climb? Because baby I can be your rock
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
Hey Girl! Are you a software program?
Because you've been running in my memory all day.
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
What do you call a gorilla who has been locked up in prison?
A kong-vict
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
Double bubble gum, bubbles double
Baby you could even make the Cold War hot!
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
If we were playing tennis, I'd let you score all the points so I'll always be in love.
What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?
Camembert.
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
What do you name a synthetic parrot?
PollyEster
The best place for a ghost to go on holiday is The Dead Sea.
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
What does a beaver from Philly drink?
Wooder.
I stopped my phones to the cloud, and I kept getting mist calls.
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?
What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
Not sure what my creatinine clearance is, but I just can't get you out of my system.
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
Who needs luck? I have charm.
What do you do if you get attacked by a killer clowns?
Go for the jugular.
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Go to BabaMail
