How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
"Roses are red, Violets are blue. Garbage is dumped, now so are you."
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
Why would you Mary Shelley when you could marry me?
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
I can feel something brewing between the two of us.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
How do Greek gods say sorry to one another
"I Apollo-gise"
Me without you is like a sneaker without laces.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
Baby you make my telescope expand.
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me.
He's a keeper.
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
Babe, it doesn’t matter that you got diabetic retinopathy, because I heard love is blind.
What did the teenage crow want for his birthday? A brand new caw!
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
Q: What did the old orange see before it died?
A: The grim ripe-r.
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
A father was reading a book while his son was playing with toys on the floor. “Daddy, why is that book so thick?” asks the boy.
“It’s long story,” replies the father.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fossil
Fossil who?
Fossil last time, open the door!
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
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