What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it.
I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
What do you get when you dump your Easter eggs on a hill?
A spring roll!
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
Why did the larger car go first?
It had the right of weigh.
Who is a penguin’s favourite family member?
Aunt Artica.
I saw you and I pictured us as swans, we could mate for life.
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
All I want is to fill that vacuum in your heart.
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
Where do the astronauts park their vehicles? At the parking meteors.
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
Baby, you’re hotter than Rome under Nero.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Summer went swimmingly this year.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
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