You're such a treat that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.
You make my heart skip a beet.
Where is the Ghost’s bedroom located? Down the Hall-oween.
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
"This isn't easy and neither are you. I'm breaking up with you."
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
What did the giant octopus say to the pirate ship?
- What’s Kraken?
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?
A maybee
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
Hi, I see that you're new to this gym, and I wanna be the first male to bother you.
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
When is a piece of wood made king? when its a ruler
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
I’m feeling a little blue, do you think you could help al-Levi-ate my pain with a good date?
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Your earrings are the mirrors that reflect the moonlight into your eyes.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
Can I slip one past your goalie?
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
Due to covid most exotic dancers have been furloughed.
Basically, they’ve been stripped of their source of income.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
I was gonna make some car puns...
but I ran out of gas.
Are you a girl scout because you tie my heart in knots.
I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.
"Bone to be wild."
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
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