What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
Did you hear about the ocean and sea having a baby?
It was a buoy!
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
Where do Santa Claus and his deers stop to have a coffee at Christmas?
“Star – Bucks!”
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
I'm fondue you, it's true
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
What type of room do you eat? A mush room.
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications
Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
I'd be Lyon to myself if I said I thought we weren't meant to be.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.
I sure hope you know set theory, ’cause I wanna intersect and union with you.
I don’t know how to spell beautiful. all I know is without u, it’s impossible.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
I bet you sound like a Tasmanian Devil in bed.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.
How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
It walks straight
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