That dress would look great on my bedroom floor!
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
What is the fastest way to make a setter angry? Each time you make a pass, tell the setter the ball is “Up” and then say “Yours!”
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
"Reti or not, here I come!"
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
Santa's Short Suit Shrunk
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
Do you know how to drive stick? Because I sure as hell do.
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
I've taken up online yoga since the COVID-19 outbreak started.
It helps me namaste at home.
Mooning is very ASStrological
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
I would ask you if you're tired from running through my mind all day, but from the looks of it, you don't do any running.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.
Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!
You are like an electron and I am like a proton. And they say that opposites attract.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
You're so cute I could bottle you up in a mason jar.
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
Like a bouquet tied with twine, I can be yours if you will be mine.
What do ghosts and monsters drink after scaring people?
Ghoul-Aid.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
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