Why did the river refuse to join the sea? Because the sea was salty.
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies.
Keep calm and carrot on.
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror!
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.
Did you hear about the guy who got killed by a bear?
It was a grizzly death.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season?
They fast during Lent!
Wanna go out sometime? I think we’d have Avery fun time together
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
What drink scares defense lawyers? Guilt-Tea.
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was trying to fetch a boomerang
Some see a puddle of mosquito larva.
I see a pool of enbitenment.
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lock
Lock who?
Lock who it is, after all this time!
Why shouldn't you feed elves shellfish?
It makes them crabby!
Is it true that you are from China since I’m China get your number?
If you don’t have a lot of figurines from Ancient Greek mythology, I can give you a mini tour.
What does the birch like to study in school? Chemistree.
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
You are more beautiful then all the fireworks tonight.
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
Hey, I think I could rock your world if you Dave me a chance…
The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it's only mild.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
Singing Sammy sung songs on sinking sand.
Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
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