The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
Why did the bunny say to the duck? You quack me up!
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
I’m a handsome prince and my sword is no trick.
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
Hey lady, I'm like the sun, I go down every night.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
I won't take no for an answer. I'm having Nunavut.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
What do French cherry parents say to their little cherries at home? You are mon cherry.
Your shirt must be made out of husband material.
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
Kicking Baby Considered Healthy
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the thin ice our relationship is on.
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
Why don’t cows drink artificial milk? It’s too pow-dairy.
What would bears be without bees?
Ears.
What do you call a 1 cent coin in Italy?
A penne.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
What’s another popular Christmas song that baby koalas like to sing? “Joey to the World”, of course!
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
What do you call a storm that doesn't come to fruition?
A mist opportunity!
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word."
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
Are people jealous of the Irish?
Yeah, they’re green with envy.
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
Could I get your number so I can take you out to dinner Anna movie?
If an elf can’t do something right now, how do they handle it?
Shelf it for later.
Sorry, I can't play hide and seek. Someone like you is simply impossible to find.
The soup was busy and preoccupied. He was stewing over something his friend said.
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
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