"Have an eggs-tra special Easter day."
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
What did the beaver say to the river? Meet me around the bend.
Can I Alp you?
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
Erase erratic bat from your vocabulary because I am as functional as they come.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
Someone from Southern France sent me an MS Word file with 200 pages.
It's a Languedoc.
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
Do baseball players ever wear armor?
Only during knight games.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
Boy: You know quickie has u And i together.
Girl: Too bad ugly starts with a u.
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
I just had to tell you. Your beauty made me truly appreciate being able to see.
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
What Do You Call A Duck That Steals?
A robber ducky.
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
She sells seashells by the seashore.
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U?
Hey lady, I'm like the sun, I go down every night.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
Man: Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Woman: Do you know what'd look good on you? Nothing.
What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home, so I came over!
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
I’m not usually one for Austin-tatious pickup lines, but I decided to make an exception for you.
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
If you were a baseball field could I hit a homerun.
When the ghost saw his wife he said 'you're not just cute, you're boo-tiful too!'
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
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