Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?

“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.

Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.

Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team. However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.

What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.

If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.

Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.

I over boiled some venison broth earlier.

It was deerly mist.

Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!

Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!

A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene

What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.

What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.

Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.

Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.

There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run

When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"

They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.

I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.

What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.

Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan

As soon as I saw your face, I knew you weren’t just the average Jo

Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?

No, with a knife.

My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection.

"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz

Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.

What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.

Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.

I can’t believe I framed the ball in for a winner. Shank you!

Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.

Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them

Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!

Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.

Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.

Why should you make a cherry pie for someone that you miss? Because absence bakes the heart grow fonder.

Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.

There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.

What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.

How did they punish the longshoreman whose improper ship mooring caused the destruction of a pier?
They docked his pay.

What kind of pet fish did the skeleton have?
A bonefish.

“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell

Where do rocks like to sleep? In bedrocks!

Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.

I hopped on the bus yesterday afternoon. After a few minutes, the driver asked me to sit down like everyone else

Hey baby, my body's like Ontario. Yours to discover.

Hey, wanna be Jere-MY-ah?