Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
Composers always score.
Are you from Mars? ‘cuz I wanna explore you with curiosity?
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
My dog loves poetry.
Especially William Shakes-paw.
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.
"Do you like computers?" (yes.) "Do you like file sharing?" (yes) "Good, 'cause I'm downloadable and user friendly!"
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
You just caused a heat wave.
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.
"You had me at merlot."
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
Real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels.
Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
What do you call a storm that doesn't come to fruition?
A mist opportunity!
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
Why do they eat snail in France?
Because they don’t have fast food.
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
Snow on and snow forth.
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
Why are crows so interesting?
Just beCAWse
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
"Here for the right riesling."
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
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