I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
Life is brew-tiful!
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
Have you heard about the restaurant that caters exclusively to dolphins?
It only has one customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
Me without you is like a sneaker without laces.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
What is Santa's favorite breakfast food? Snow-flakes.
Are you Siri? As a result of your autocomplete feature
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
Treat yo'elf.
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
Why did the bus stop in the middle of the street? It saw a zebra crossing.
I like big punts and I cannot lie
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.
Is this a science class? Because we have great chemistry.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!
Why did the keyboard not get any sleep?...
Because it has two shifts.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
Are you a flower? Because I fell in love with you once and floral.
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.
Are you a time traveler? Because I absolutely see you in my future.
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
I’m more interested in you than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
Girl: Want to see a magic trick?
Boyfriend: Sure.
Girl: Poof you're single.
What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.
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