If I were a stop light, I would always turn red each time you pass by. In that way, I could stare at you longer.
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
Can I tie your shoes? I don’t want you falling for anyone else.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
Q. Where do Midwest does prefer to give birth?
A. Deerborn, Michigan.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
Forget Santa, you’re on my nice list.
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
What do you call a camel without humps?
Humphrey.
My son ate daffodil bulbs instead of onions
But that's really serious! Is he in hospital?
Yes, he's still a bit yellow, but he should be coming out in the spring.
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
"Partners in wine."
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
Life is brew-tiful!
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
You're by far the prettiest girl here. The 'Liberty bell' of the ball.
My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.
Dad: "Knock, knock!" Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
You must be Gisele Bundchen’s twin sister. You know the one no one talks about because she’s more beautiful than Gisele.
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
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