Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
Come with me, let’s convert our potential energy into kinetic energy.
Why did the bunny build herself a new house? She was fed up with the hole thing!
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.
Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa exactly what I want for Christmas?
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Howie.
Howie who?
Howie gonna hide this affair from your husband?
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
Eddie edited it.
What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
Your skin is smoother than the finest panna cotta.
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!
Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor you let me in or I`ll climb through the window.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
I would never precede you with "which," baby, because you are essential to this clause.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
Have you ever wondered which part of the flamingo has the most feathers? I found out once – turns out it’s the outside.
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
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