Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
Sorry for stating the obvious
But you look good!
"Dad, how do you cast spells?"
"You just follow the instructions."
"Which instructions?"
"Yeah, they're the ones."
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
"Great minds drink alike."
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
Swimming trunks!
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
Girl, If you were a fruit you'd be a can't-elope.
Blue and orange are always polite and amicable with each other because they are complementary colors.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Why should the Sun get into a school? To get brighter.
Do you know what is the favorite key of the astronauts?
The Spacebar.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.
Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?
Is your name Ariel? Because we mermaid for each other.
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.
Sorry, But You Owe Me A Drink. Well, When I Saw You, I Dropped Mine.
For you, I would slay two Goliaths.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
I have the final sleigh.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
Hey girl, are you related to Abraham's nephew?
Because I like you a LOT.
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
The Azteca Stadium in Mexico has been so neglectfully maintained that there are foot-long grasses on the pitch. Now we call it the Grass-teca Stadium.
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
What are the four seasons?
Salt, Pepper, Sugar and Flour.
Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
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