Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
How did the shark plead in the murder case?
Not gill-ty.
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram
Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.
What do you call someone who rips up books?
A tear-orist.
Hassock hassock, black spotted hassock. Black spot on a black back of a black spotted hassock.
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
You're one in a melon.
I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eyes, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
This must be decaf, cause you’re just dreamy!
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
If I am a GPS, will you take me running every day?
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
I may be dressed as a vampire tonihgt, but if you play your cards right you might be the one sucking
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks? a Roman Catholic
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
You're such a treat that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.
I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
What do you call a fight between squirrels?
A squarrel
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!
Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
Do you need new shoes?
Coz you've been running through my mind since the day I met you.
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
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