What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
Is your name Scarlett? Because when I saw you my heart was gone with the wind.
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
You and I make a deluxe combo.
You look like you could use some hot chocolate... Well, here I am!
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese
I must be a litmus paper, and you must be acid. Because every time I come into contact with you, I turn all red.
We must be a cast on a spiral fracture, girl. Because we’re on a serious break.
Could this be the trail that leads to your heart?
Your lips look so lonely. Would they like to meet mine?
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.
What's the name of the machine the ancient greeks used to calculate how best to fight hybrid monsters?
The antichimera mechanism.
Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
Do you have any Sriracha sauce? Cause you fire me up!
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
"Your kisses are to dye for."
Is your name Misty? You look so good in the rain.
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
How do you spot a car made by Apple?
It does not have Windows.
“Feliz navi-dog!”
What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.
Which city do hamsters live in?
Hamsterdam.
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
Hey, if you can’t take the heat, get out of your clothes.
I won't take no for an answer. I'm having Nunavut.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
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