Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
“The road to success is always under construction.”
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
France – it’s just a oui bit different!
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
Why was the weightlifter upset?
She worked with dumbbells.
Baby, have you been eating your Campbell's soup? Because you are looking Mmm, Mmm good!
55. How do you tell a car you are supporting it?
‘We are routing for you!’
The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
Wow, we really matched? I guess we’re simply Seb-posed to be
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
Car puns are really tiring
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
Sorry to interrupt with a bad pick up line, but if you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber.
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
Hey cutie, I Sense you have a lot of Sensibility. Was that too Austen-tatious of me to point out?
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
I was trying to think of a good pun for your name, but I can’t think of Jack
I think you’re dandelion.
What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?
A fly swatter.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Tex.
Tex who?
Tex two to tango.
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
I love you from my head tomato
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