“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?
A hobblin' goblin.
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
A bear's least favorite pastry at any party is the blue bear-y pie.
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
You must be a banana because I find you very a-peeling.
What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
Why are alligator comedians so funny?
Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
All vampires seem to have the same thing for their last meal. A stake.
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
Woman: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you before GLY
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
Man: I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
Woman: Okay, but would you stay there?
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
"You round me out." — High Card Band
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
I’m throwing a COVID-19 party this weekend.
None of you are invited.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.
Well I can’t Eli to you, you’re pretty cute
Nobody would ask the strawberry to go to the prom because it was past her sale by date.
The pint’s the limit.
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
That boy narrated his-story really well.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
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