Roses are red, Violets are blue, You make my heart skip, I think I have Mobitz type II!
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
If you have a parrot, it says a lot about you!
Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
Sorry, could you turn it down a little please? Your smile is really lighting up the whole room.
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
You must be Drumheller, ‘cause I totally dig you.
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
I hope for world peas.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
How to scare kids away in the night
Want to give them a really big fright?
Go hide in the closet
They'll leave a deposit
When the boogieman busts out tonight.
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
What does a dog love to eat while watching a movie?
Pupcorn.
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
You can be the queen of my kingdom.
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.
I'm going to have to ask you to stay away, you're posing a risk for my health. You make my heart stop!
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
You have the prettiest smile I have ever seen.
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
You are the HCl to my NaOH. With our sweet love, we could make an ocean together.
Why couldn't the skeleton play football?
He didn't have the guts.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Go to BabaMail
