Your smile must be a black hole. Nothing can escape its pull.
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? Because she was a plant eater!
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
I've always liked Buffalo Springfield....
....For What it's Worth.
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
A Bee?
A bee who?
A beaver is building a dam on the river.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
Kiss me! Let me taste your sweet lips before the asteroid destroys earth
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
Snow on and snow forth.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
Because it was so foggy at my father’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mist-stake.
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
What bee is most indecisive?
A May bee!
"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."
― Toni Morrison, Jazz
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
What do ghouls drink?
Boos!
I have to say “Hi” to the prettiest girl in the room… can you help me say “Hi” to that girl over there?
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
Baby, there ain't no placebo for what I can give you.
Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.
But it’s actually a common mist-conception.
What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
I think there’s something wrong with my eye. I can’t take them off of you.
Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
Do you want to be my doubles partner...for life?
Have you found the center of gravity yet? It’s the letter v.
Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
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