“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson

I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.

What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.

"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."

I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.

What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.

Are you a cherry? Because I want to pick you up.

Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.

What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!

When the past, present, and future go camping they always argue. It's intense tense in tents.

Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.

What did the baby rabbit say before his favorite holiday? I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny to visit.

Do you have to leave so soon? I was just going to poison your drink.

I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.

Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.

I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.

There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"

So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."

So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"

So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."

Do you know hop? Because your body is really kickin'.

How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.

What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.

A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.

Kiss me if I’m wrong, but trilobites still exist, right?

I've seen a lot of Canada, but you could take me to the top of the world.

What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.

Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.

Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!

Are you a banker?
Because you need to leave me a loan.

Turns out my dad who’s a locksmith still has to go to work during lockdown.
He’s a key worker, you see.

"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck

Apparently Dracula sets up a password for every website so he can click on Your Account.

What do golf and se* have in common?
They’re two things you can enjoy even if you’re bad at both of them.

“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”

“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author

“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy

What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.

Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.

A witch with chickenpox is called an itchy-witchy.

I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.

What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.

"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark

What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.

Why is the ocean so salty?
Because the land never waves back.

Why can't corona virus jokes go viral?
Because people are laughing into their elbows.

When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.

Why did the cat keep meow-ing? It didn’t want to be fur-gotten.

Hey baby, you know what sounds good? You and me never speaking to each other again.

What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!

Love at frost sight!

Who did Prince Mushroom fall in love with at the royal ball? - Chanterella!