I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
What was the artist's favorite swimming stroke? The brushstroke.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.
I personally think bunnies are ear-resistible.
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
You set my heart bonfire.
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? King Kong is more sensitive.
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
A prisoner was released from jail, he shouted "Yay I'm free I'm free!" A little boy yelled "So what I'm 4 I'm 4!"
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
If you were here, Abby all over you
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
I saw a really cool kangaroo the other day
It had a hip hop
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
I was trying to look at a picture of the ocean but kept having to reload the page, it finally worked after 5 attempts.
That was refreshing to sea.
Girl, you give me the butterflies.
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
Well… I gotta de-Clara, I think I’ve just fallen in love.
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
Question: What is the oldest animal?
Answer: The Zebra, it's still in black and white!
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