"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?
Wayne Regretzky
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
How about I perform a sort on your variables, and you can analyze my performance? If I were sin2x and you were cos2x, together we’d be ONE!
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark
True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
Which bird is the most contented? The crow, because he never complains without caws.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
Who was the greatest dog detective?
Sherlock Bones.
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
You and I make a deluxe combo.
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.
What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.
"Let's have some skele-fun."
Are you my appendix?
Because I don't know anything about you but this feeling in my gut is telling me that I should take you out.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.
Have you been eating Lucky Charms? Because you're looking magically delicious.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
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