You know what they say about a man with big feet... he wears big shoes.
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
Goldfish Is Saved From Drowning
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
What happened when the cargo ship full of books sank?
It caused a title wave!
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
How do Santa’s elves go to different floors in the North Pole toy workshop? They use the elf-avator!
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
We’ll need protracturtle in our next lesson since the topic will be angles.
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
Have you ever driven a boat? Try to park it on my dock.
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
What is the study of real estate? Homology
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
Icy what you did there.
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
"We gotta get you out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini."
- Jay Chandrasekhar, Beerfest (2006)
They aren’t gnome for their humor.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd rather be dead than continue seeing you!
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
I'd run miles just to be with you.
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
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