Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?
Whoopsie Daisies
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
My dad just told me something that sent a chill down my spine.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Rebel without a Claus.
What happened when Turbo lost his shell? He began to feel sluggish.
You can put your hands at my heart’s center.
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
"I like a man that can pull off facial hair."
I think your supposed to use a razor.
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
No taxation without representation! But, there is a kiss tax. Strictly enforced and right on the lips.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
"Slicing Salami"
The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!
– Denise Rodgers
What color sheet did the ghost wear on the 4th of July? Red, white, and boo.
What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
Are you as spicy as your artisan hot sauce?
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!
What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?
A flightoplankton.
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
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