My drinking team has a bowling problem.
That elliptical isn't the only thing getting my heart rate up…
My game is just like Alexander Keith's: "Those who like it, like it a lot."
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Goose
Goose who?
Goose who's knocking at your door again!
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
Bad spelling makes me sic.
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness.
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.
Baby, you remind me of my spice cabinet - cuz you got a fine grind going on.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Two knee.
Two knee who?
Two-knee fish!
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Is your name pronounced Ee-an, or Eye-an? I hope it’s the latter cuz I’ve got my Ian you
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
The only thing sweeter than pumpkin pie is you, baby!
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
Hey baby, are you my flight? Because I wish I could catch you.
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
My sister was diagnosed as color blind. The revelation really came out of the blue.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
With Coronavirus and our impending doom, I guess no one really had 2020 vision after all.
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore
I put the ‘laid’ in Adelaide.
You remind me of milk - cuz you're doin' my body good.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
I don't have a foot fetish, but I'm pretty into mistle-toe.
Wholey-grain! You really bread my mind!
Grandmother Of Eight Makes Hole In One
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
How was the lepre-con caught?
By an under-clover police officer!
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