Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
Do you know what's on the menu tonight, girl?
Me 'n' U.
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)
If I was your heart would you let me beat?
What's a goblins favorite dinner?
Ghoulash.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
I wasn’t sure if I should make the first move… but I was raised to never Jack down from an opportunity
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
I think you're mer-mazing.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
I'd got to bat for you, babe.
My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
Why can't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse.
You really flipturn me on.
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark, you still seem to shine.
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
Cassini spacecraft took pictures of both Saturn and Earth. It was literally the best of both worlds.
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
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