Are you that note I messed up? Because I can’t stop thinking about you.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
The ghost was told off when he spook out of turn.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
You should see what I can do with ice.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
"You had me at merlot."
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
What does an owl with an attitude have?
A scowl.
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
You didn't hear the joke about cell phones?
Probably because it had a bad reception.
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
I guess we'll just have to make dew.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
You must be from Quebec because these feelings I have for you are Mont-real.
Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
Do those legs go all the way? Because you should use them to go away.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
How does Mr. Bean introduce himself in Spain?
Soy Bean.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job? He would only do the BEAR minimum.
Hey pumpkin – I bet I can put a smile on your face.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
I’m just wondering. Now that you’re here, who’s running heaven now?
Knock knock.
Come in.
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
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