“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
Is your name Faith?
Because you're the substance of things I've hoped for.
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
Are you religious?
Because you're the answer to all my prayers.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
I can give you something to really be thankful about!
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
I just want to take you out to brunch and shower you with quiches.
What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
I can relate to my computer so much. Even I go to sleep after 25mins of inactivity.
The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
Go big or go gnome.
Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
What’s an elephant’s secret talent?
They’re great at multi-tusking.
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
When I see your face there's not a thing that I would change...
I had an instant connection with someone in South Korea. I think they're my Seoul mate.
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
Beavers are the best at getting things done on riverbanks. They have their own waves of working.
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.