Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling Of Isolation
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
Why do you bring fish to a party?
You bring fish to a party because they go well with chips!
"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard."
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderella-phant.
If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
A man went to buy long underwear cause the weather was getting cold. The cashier asked " How long would you like them"
"From march to September", said the man.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Ears.
Ears who?
Ears one more beaver joke for you.
Best in snow.
"I'm not a stop along the way. I'm a destination."
- Gossip Girl
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
I could’ve sworn I had your number. I guess you’re going to have to put it on my phone again.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
If you don’t have a lot of figurines from Ancient Greek mythology, I can give you a mini tour.
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
Time fries when you’re having fun!
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
Why did the strangers walk out onto the frozen pond?
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
Will the Red Wings be able to replace their venerable captain Steve? No, because
when it comes to hockey smarts there is no Yzer man.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
Wait until you see my thunda from down unda!
A sunburned murder of crows is referred to as 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree.
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
Are you the square root of -100? Because you’re a solid 10 but too good to be real!
What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.