I don't know where I put my queen after the last chess game.
Maybe she's lost I need to check.
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
When finally the encyclopedia on mushrooms was out, it was given the title ‘A Fungi-de to the Mushrooms’.
Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just struggling to contain your excite-mint?
What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
If you wake up in a RED room, with no windows or doors, don't be alarmed, you're just in my heart.
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
Are you from Stockholm? Cause you're the Swedish girl I've ever seen.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
You must be calcification on a non-contrast CT, cause you’re just glowing.
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a bogey in it.
You must be Egyptian, because I'm a enslaved by your eyes.
You must be Portuguese because I could Lisbon to that accent all night long.
Aaron you glad I messaged you first?
You are my belongingness to my Maslow's Humanistic Theory based on the Hierarchy of needs.
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
My favorite attractive force is Van der Waal's force. Can you feel it? I'll move closer if you can't.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Can I be one of the men in your box?
I thought this was a bar, but I must be in a museum because you’re a piece of art.
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
Are you a bike? Because I wanna ride you until I get tired.
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!
What's the first bet that most people make in their lives? the alpha bet
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good place we can get something to eat?
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.