All prominent werewolf movies are produced in howl-lywood.
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
I have the perfect emoji that describes you, but it would look much better next to your number on my phone.
You’re so hot you make my lab goggles fog up.
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
But wait—there’s myrrh.
What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Julius Cheeser!
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
Do you wanna go to a restaurant?
You can't spell “menu” without me and u.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Did you damage my cerebellum? Because I’m falling all over the place for you.
The storm suppose to knock out the power, but your eyes have all the electricity I need.
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
There is always a first time to everything. For instance, when you take a mushroom either for lunch or dinner, you will be amazed at how magical it is.
Fairies just spell trouble.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
I'm using the wishbone to manifest a date with you.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
Are you a virus? ‘Cause I think you’re taking control over my body.
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
I can’t tell if that was an earthquake or if you just seriously rocked my world.
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
Hey the cyclist, can I take you for a spin on my handlebars?
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
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