Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
If I was a sticker, would you add me to your vintage luggage set?
There's nothing humble about my warrior.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
Hey there cyclist, do you need to use my pump?
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants!
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
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