My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...
... Totally in my Element.
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.
Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
I’d love to spend some time Matthew
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
Hey son, do you know why the pilgrims ate biscuits at the first Thanksgiving?
Because they had a boatload of May-flour.
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
How much will $20 get me?
Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.
Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There is a twist at the end.
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
I'd buy a tandem bike just to ride with you.
Rainbows are very uncommon, they are blue and far between.
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
We've reached the point of snow return.
Why did the volleyball player have ropes and shoe strings? They wanted to tie the score.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
What type of films should players watch to improve their shot? Slap stick.
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
Don’t wait on me to start the meeting. I might be a hare late.
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
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