Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
I would like to end this sentence with a proposition.
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts. It's how you apply the force.
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
Why do bears have sticky fur?
Because they use honey combs.
It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
Your gravitational pull is irresistible!
Darling, I never want you to leaf me.
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
You make my heart slip 'n slide.
It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
She acts like summer and walks like rain.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
What did Mama pig ask her kids every day after school?
“Hoofeels hungry?”
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Why did one melon break up with the other melon?
“He didn’t know water problem was.”
What did the sea say to the river? You can run but you can't tide.
I should have dressed up as a ghost tonight so I could let you under my sheets.
Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.
Are you in the Library catalog? I'd love to get you're number.
All punts are highly intended
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
Babe, you are like my right temporoparietal areas: I’d be lost without you.
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