“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!
Who was the greatest dog detective?
Sherlock Bones.
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
Rock was magma before it was cool.
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
Love me till ice cream.
Are you a sheep cause your body is unbaaaaalievable.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gladys
Gladys who?
Gladys Friday, finally the weekend starts!
Are you one of Job's daughters?
Because you're twice as beautiful as any other girl I've ever seen.
This is snow laughing matter!
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
Calm before the score
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
It was a play on words.
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
Babe, you are like my right temporoparietal areas: I’d be lost without you.
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
My keyboard is missing a key. I lost ctrl.
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
I love a joke about the eyes.
The cornea the better.
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Q. Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer Cafe?
A. Chocolate Moose.
What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
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