What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.
Are you Broca’s aphasia? Because you leave me speechless…
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
If you are ever babysitting a cherry, remember that their favorite cartoon is Tom And Cherry.
What is a car’s favourite bug?
A beetle.
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
Where do Danish players aim with the puck? Top kroner.
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
This movie is not the only thing in the room that's feature-length.
I didn't think I was a snowman, but you just made my heart melt
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
The boy leaf confessed to the girl leaf that he was fall-ing in love with her.
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
Are you a mountain climber? ‘Cause you really peaked my interest.
You're so pharma-cute-ical!
Volcanoes are rude! They are always int-erupt-ing.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
Here, look at this blank piece of paper for a second… I wrote every reason why we should stick together on it.
What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?
Why do hitters find it so hard to be productive when they are indoors? They always work on an angle to play outside.
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