What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
Just brew it!
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
I can relate to my computer so much. Even I go to sleep after 25mins of inactivity.
“Dachshund Through the Snow.”
Hey baby, are you the Earth? Because all things are attracted to you...
Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
Girl, you give me the butterflies.
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
Babe, you are like my right temporoparietal areas: I’d be lost without you.
My love for you simply radiates.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!
Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
I am glad my mobile phone has GPS because I am totally getting lost in your beautiful eyes.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
"Hey there, hop stuff."
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
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