They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
You’re my pot of gold.
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing?
“I’m not a people porcine.”
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
Girl, you’re truly one in Amelia
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
You’re a perfect ten(t).
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
I accidentally pooped in my pants. Can I get into yours?
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
Excuse me, do you happen to have a Band-Aid? ‘Cause I scraped my knees falling for you.
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
What do fish use to weigh themselves?
Scales!
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
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