There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
I bet you play soccer because you're a keeper.
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
Can I be one of the men in your box?
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
We should get coffee sometime, because I like you a latte.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
Hi, my name's Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?
I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.
This love feels like floating endlessly in outer space and looking for your pretty lost smiles.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
Airplane food is always so terrible, so I always pack my own food. Want one of these chocolate covered strawberries?
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
Is your Spotify working? Because I would love you to join my family plan.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
If your heart was a prison, I would want to be sentenced to life.
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
Do you wanna go to a restaurant?
You can't spell “menu” without me and u.
The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
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