If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
Why are witches good at farming?
Because they love occult-ivation.
Goat milk?
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
I’d be Madeline if I didn’t say I was dying to get to know you
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
If there's a will, there's a wave.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
Q. Why was the lady baboon so atrracted to the big gorilla?
A. 'Cause he had s*x ape-peal.
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.
Everywhere’s a palace when I get to be with Alice
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.
Dublin over in laughter.
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
What do ghosts use to keep their hair in place? Scare-spray!
What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
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