Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
I'll make love to you if you want me to.
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
A lemon got a job in a vinegar factory last week...
Starting salary was $15 per sour.
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
Here’s more proof that I’ve gone off the deep end.
Hey girl my heart is anywhere you are.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
I just lost my job and may be Baroque, but that doesn't mean I can't show you a good time.
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
You’re the only rein-dear for me.
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
Are you a verb? Because you look a little tense, but I can put you in the mood.
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
Hey girl, are you looking for your knight in shining armor?
Well I just happen to be wearing the full armor of God.
My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
What was the motto of the unique deer? Deer to be different!
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
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